


Gray

by Notquiteright



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic, Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords
Genre: Amnesiac Revan, Angst, F/F, Fading marks, Mind-wiped Revan is called Reyna, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 08:56:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15882777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Notquiteright/pseuds/Notquiteright
Summary: Meetra always knew Revan was her soulmate. The proof of it is written in clear black ink on her arm. Until the moment it isn't anymore.Reyna's soulmark has been gray for as long as remembers. She just never knew why





	Gray

**Author's Note:**

> Soulmate au+ Meetra/Revan? I really have no excuse except that I was fascinated by the idea of how Revan's "reprogramming" would affect a soulbond. That's it. That's the gist of my motivation. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy anyhow!

For Jedi looking at your soulmark is strictly forbidden. 

Or not exactly forbidden just heavily frowned upon. 

Jedi shouldn’t love. Not romantically anyway and soulmarks, even if meaning a platonic soulmate are considered incredibly dangerous. Because there is no guarantee that the soulmate _is_ platonic and not romantic. 

Meetra thinks it’s all highly ironic. Everyone in the galaxy hopes that the name they bear will bring them romantic love meanwhile here are the Jedi praying it’s only a platonic feeling. 

As with all other Jedi her own mark is perfectly hidden away from view too. She can’t remember ever seeing it. The Jedi probably covered it up with the patch as soon as she came to their care. She scratches against the surface of it absent-mindedly now and then. The patch is not uncomfortable per say. It’s not designed to be. She is merely frustrated by not knowing. 

Of course Meetra Surik has always been a rebellious one, if one is to believe Master Vrook that is. So naturally curiosity gets the better of her eventually. 

She is sixteen and fed up with the world when it happens. The council blamed her yet again for things that weren’t her fault at all. It all takes a moment of childish indignation at the Jedi, at the world for her to rip the patch off with impetuous anger. 

For a second she freezes at what she sees. At what she has done. She quickly hides her mark again but it is too late. 

She has already seen Revan’s name curling in black ink on her forearm in what she assumes is her elegant handwriting. 

Revan. Meetra lets out a shaky breath. _Revan_. 

She remembers her, of course she does. The little brunette girl with inquisitive gray eyes. She was sitting under a tree, her nose buried in a book. Meetra had never seen her around before. So naturally she had to flop down next to her and make introductions. Revan was baffled at the whole interruption but she hadn’t complained. 

And neither had Meetra. Revan was a wonderful person once you got to know her. She was eternally curious. Bright. Compassionate if a bit proud. The two of them were perfectly matched. Meetra’s recklessness was kept in check by Revan’s more thoughtful and strategic nature, all the while Meetra counterbalanced Revan’s more cold and factual worldview with her shining optimism and cheerfulness. 

It only took two weeks for them to become fast-friends, before Revan’s master had come to Dantooine and whisked her apprentice back to Coruscant. And Meetra hasn’t seen Revan since. For 3 years in fact. The thought that she is her soulmate is… interesting. But sad. 

Because Meetra can’t figure out how their paths could ever possibly cross again. 

***

Of course Meetra shouldn’t have discounted the power of coincidences. Or the will of the Force. 

Or the Mandalorians. 

They are fighting back, against the Jedi Council’s wishes. They are doing the right thing. But it wasn’t easy, not by a longshot. 

One day Revan just breaks down in front of her. The war took a lot out of her friend Meetra realizes. Her eyes are haunted and distant and Meetra… Meetra wonders what it is she is not telling her. As she envelopes her friend in a hug she just wants to understand. Revan is being more and more withdrawn from her and she hates it. 

Does Revan know? Has she seen the mark? Is this why she is keeping her distance? Or more importantly is it even Meetra’s name tattooed on her skin? These questions have been stuck on loop in her mind for a while. 

Because surely Revan must see it. Meetra is not the best at keeping secrets. She always feels like she looks a little too long. Stands a little too close. Smiles a little too brightly. Just in general she knows she feels far more strongly about Revan than a friend should. And definitely more than how much a Jedi should care about _anyone._

Even now she is almost hundred percent sure that her insanely drumming heartbeat is so painfully obvious. If it is Revan doesn’t remark on it. She draws in a shuddering breath and frees herself from Meetra’s embrace. 

***

Revan is not feeling the best lately and that is a huge understatement. She breathes in. Breathes out. 

**“Hey Rev what exactly did you… need.” Meetra’s voice caught in her throat as she... Well. She stared. Revan could understand. In the background Malak snorted.**

**“Erm. Okay.” Meetra laughed. “What is _that_?” Revan took off her mask with a slight smile, albeit a hesitant one**. 

**“I… felt like I needed a change.”**

**“Understatement of the century” Malak murmured. Revan glared at her friend who threw his arms up in mock-surrender.**

**“How could I expect the Mandalorians to take me seriously if my own troops barely do?” Revan explained finally but not without difficulty.**

**She hated the fact that despite winning the Republic so many victories people constantly underestimated her simply because she was so young. Which in their eyes meant _inexperienced._ The fact that she had a petite form didn’t help much. As Malak had remarked (quite often) she looked about as dangerous as a gizka when calm. (and then Revan turned the full force of her icy glare on him and with a laugh he added that she was downright terrifying when angry though) **

**“So you had an intimidating armor fashioned for yourself to be respected?” Meetra summarized for her.**

**“Exactly.” Revan nodded, smirking. “Does it work?”**

**“Oh Revan.” Meetra laughed with a fond shine in her eyes. “Only you could make a fashion statement for the sake of _strategy._ For the record it does work though.” Revan felt uncharacteristically flustered and she hoped that her traitorous body didn’t blush or if it did that her hood hid it at the very least. **

**“See Malak?” she turned to her best friend. “Turns out not all of my friends are traitors.”**

**“What did he do?” Meetra asked amusedly to which Revan let out a theatrical sigh.**

**“He said that I looked like a Sith.”**

**“Because you do look like a Sith Revan” Malak rolled his eyes. Revan huffed.**

**“Well.” Meetra’s lips twitched. “Whatever the case your choice of armor was approved by us both. Sith are quite scary Revan.” Revan almost forgot to breathe. Did she just… joke with the dark side?**

**After a beat she burst out laughing.**

Revan rests her head against the cool metallic surface of the window. 

**He said that I looked like a Sith ******

********

What would Meetra say? If she told her the truth? 

********

**You do look like a Sith Revan**

********

No. She couldn’t tell her. Meetra wouldn’t forgive her. How could she when Revan could barely forgive herself? 

********

She is fighting against the Mandalorians and she realizes with a sick feeling in her stomach that she is slowly becoming them. Letting that colony be destroyed by those brutes when she could have saved them only to gain the upper hand against the Mandalorians in the next battle? That was cold. And strategic. But not by far the worst of it. 

********

She couldn’t let them know they cracked the code. It wasn’t her idea to sacrifice the people. She simply… agreed to it. And it was essential that the information didn’t go out. 

********

It _was_. 

********

So when that officer confronted her about it… what other choice did she have? She couldn’t let him tell anyone. 

********

(She sees his petrified face as his own hand reaches for his blaster every time she closes her eyes lately.) 

********

******Sith are quite scary Revan**

She remembers Meetra’s heart beating against her chest, in tandem with her own almost bursting through her ribcage, only a few minutes ago when she unknowingly comforted her about murdering an innocent man in cold blood. She rubs the patch on her arm and wonders whether it’s Meetra’s name written there. 

Whether that would even make a difference. To either of them. 

Because honestly? Revan took a step down a road she isn’t sure she can turn back from. 

***

Revan is quite convinced she likes to hurt. That she enjoys pain far too much for her own good. 

There is no other explanation for ripping the patch off her arm right after witnessing Meetra returning to the Jedi. Nothing else. When she walked away Revan… Revan just had to know.

After Malachor V it was like a part of her soul was ripped away and she was overcome with dread. Because she felt the deaths. But she could no longer feel Meetra. There was nothing more than a hollow ache where her presence used to be. Something was wrong, horribly wrong and she had prepared for the worst. She hadn’t lost her that day. But now? 

Now it truly seems like Revan lost a part of herself that she can never ever regain. There on her arm written in black ink is that haphazard mess of a scrawl that she grew the associate with her friend: _Meetra Surik_. 

Darth Revan laughs bitterly. Because _of course_ it is her. 

***

There are times Meetra hates herself. Alright that is a lie, Meetra hates herself on a daily basis. But some days more than others. 

When she hears the other healers murmur in hushed whispers about the latest news on Revan, Darth Revan she corrects herself, she just wants to crawl into a hole and never show her face again. She became a healer to atone for her past crimes but evidently her latest keeps hounding her no matter what. 

Moments like these she almost wants to scratch that name off her skin. She knows some people hate their mark so much that they burn it off. 

But she also knows, with sickening surety that she could never do that. Every time she so desperately wants to she remembers bright laughter. Twinkling gray eyes. Teasing smiles. She remembers being hugged so fiercely, a voice muttering _you’re alright, you’re alright_ into her hair like it’s a prayer after Ma… after the end of the war. 

And she knows, oh she knows that she can’t erase the reminder. Because the woman she fell in love with is still her soulmate. Even if she is lost, just a flicker of a light inside Darth Revan where she can no longer reach her. 

But despite entertaining fleeting thoughts of removing the mark when her skin starts tingling she is not ready. Not in the least. 

Her soulmark burns and she hisses in pain, clutching her arm close to a chest. The pain, the physical that is, only lasts for a few moments. The emotional kind of pain is overwhelming. 

Meetra is well aware that soulmarks can disappear. If your soulmate is _dead_. She reminds herself to breathe even as tears gather in her eyes. Shouldn’t she be happy that the Dark Lord is defeated? Then why is her heart crying _but Revan is dead_ so hysterically? 

She has to look. She has to check. She peels the clothing away, her heart beating out of her chest and… she inhales sharply. 

The name is still there. But now, instead of the clear and stark black ink it’s faint, hollow, and gray. 

She shakes her head and starts pacing because she doesn’t understand. Mere seconds ago she believed Revan was dead and now… now she doesn’t know what is happening. Revan is alive, she has to be, her mark wouldn’t have remained otherwise. But the burn… the faded letters… Meetra closes her eyes and takes deep breaths. 

Something happened. Something had to have happened. 

Days after the incident she tries to pry information out of the healers. From the books. From every source she can find. 

She comes up empty handed each time. 

***

 _Black. It was black_ is the only coherent thought running through Reyna’s mind after solving the whole mess with the Sandrals and the Matales. How Rahasia and Shen raised their arms, displaying their matching soulmarks to their parents in defiance. Their matching _black_ soulmarks. 

Reyna doesn’t know whether colors have any meaning or significance. Her mark has always been this hollow gray color and until now she believed that was normal. She hasn’t done intense research on the subject and it’s not like people tend to discuss their soulmarks very freely. They don’t have to be hidden per say (though she heard from Bastila that Jedi do hide it and ignore it for the rest of their lives) but it is not exactly polite to ask about them. 

Now Reyna has to wonder whether the grayness is supposed to mean something. Maybe black is romantic love and gray platonic? But that couldn’t be it, because than why would there be such uncertainty surrounding the nature of the mark? 

“Hey” her head whips up to turn to the direction of the voice. Carth stands in the doorway with arms crossed and one eyebrow raised. “What is it, beautiful?” 

“What is it?” Reyna repeats while furrowing her brows. Carth laughs at her confused expression. 

“You’re uncharacteristically quiet. You’re not out there practicing your voodoo magic with Bastila and you’re not even pestering me about my past. Instead you’re cooped up in the Ebon Hawk staring into the distance. I’m worried.” he teases and she smiles despite herself. 

“Carth…” she begins tentatively. “Can I ask you something inappropriate?” both his eyebrows shoot up at that and he chuckles. 

“That ought to be good.” Reyna shakes her head in amusement. 

“Not like that.” she bites her lip. “It’s about soulmarks actually.” at the mention of the mark Carth’s face immediately becomes blank mask and Reyna can literally see his walls go up. She hastens to clarify. 

“I don’t want to see yours personally. I mean. I ummm have a general question about them.” 

“Alright” Carth consents with a sigh as he sits down on the bed next to her. Reyna turns her gaze to the floor. 

“Are all soulmarks supposed to be black?” she manages to say finally. She can see Carth looking at her curiously from her periphery. 

“From what I know yes.” he answers cautiously. 

“Is yours…?”

“It was” that makes Reyna turn to Carth in an instant. She heard about soulmarks disappearing when the soulmate is dead and… she guesses she doesn’t have to pry about whether Carth ever got to meet his. The resigned sadness in his eyes speaks volumes. 

“I’m sorry” she tells him sincerely. He accepts her sympathy with a nod before turning back to the topic at hand. 

“Yours is a different color I take it?” he inquires, and the curiosity in his voice is not feigned. Reyna rubs at the spot where she knows that under her clothes the name is inscribed. 

“It’s gray.” she confesses. “Pale, faded gray. I thought it was normal. Until…”

“Until you saw Shen and Rahasia’s” he finishes for her. She nods. “Well it’s not something I’ve ever heard of before. Maybe you should ask Bastila. It could have something to do with your Force-sensitivity?” 

Reyna considers. It is a possibility. After all Force-sensitive people are usually Jedi or Sith. Jedi are forbidden to reveal or even look at their marks while Sith would probably have better things to do than contribute to a groundbreaking scientific discovery about soulmarks. It is very possible that this is why it is unheard of. 

Unfortunately, that theory gets disproved when she asks Bastila about it. She blinks a little owlishly (obviously forgetting that Reyna has been a soldier before becoming a Jedi, therefore under no obligation to hide her mark) then she gathers herself. 

“It is… not something I’ve ever heard of.” she admits with great difficulty. “Perhaps the masters would know more but… may I see?” Reyna rolls up her sleeves hesitantly because she knows she should be more apprehensive about this yet cannot bring herself to actually feel like that at all. She trusts Bastila explicitly. 

“Meetra Surik” her friend mouths with disbelief. Reyna frowns. 

“Do you know her?” Bastila looks torn for a moment before she finally settles on an answer. 

“I knew of her. She was a Jedi. A good one” she explains. “And then she followed Revan and Malak into the Mandalorian wars.” probably sensing Reyna’s barely restrained disappointment (could her soulmate have fallen to the dark side? flitting through her mind in an instant) Bastila smiles slightly before continuing. 

“She was the only Jedi to come back to the Council for a trial after the war. But she hasn’t been heard of since” she sighs “I’m sorry I can’t help more. It appears only this rogue Jedi could solve the mystery. And I have no clue where to even begin look for her. And even if I did…” she adds slowly and then breathes out. “Even if I did, defeating Malak has to be our number one priority.” 

“I understand” Reyna nods quickly and then smiles. “Thank you anyhow.” Bastila tries to force a smile too but it looks a bit uncomfortable. 

“I’ll ask the masters about it. But I can’t promise anything.” 

“It’s okay. Thank you. I mean it.” Reyna says and Bastila just nods hurriedly and excuses herself. 

Reyna is puzzled by her actions but lets it go. 

***

“You know” she tells Bastila as she walks up to her on the balcony. “I’ve figured it out. The mark” her voice is bittersweet and tired, a perfect contrast to the people celebrating around them. The Dark Lord is dead; they have every reason to be happy. Reyna on the other hand is worried about just how much another certain Dark Lord is dead and buried. 

Bastila turns to her, her face mirroring Reyna’s exhaustion and Reyna is yet again struck by how much her friend has suffered in the last few weeks as well, and her heart feels even heavier. 

“It’s gray because Meetra was Revan’s soulmate, wasn’t she?” she asks solemnly. “And then you killed Revan. But yet you didn’t. This is why it’s gray. Because Revan is dead. But then again she isn’t. But you knew this, didn’t you?” Bastila sighs mournfully. 

“I had my suspicions, yes.” 

“Bastila I…” Reyna starts but she doesn’t know what she wants to say. That her whole life has fallen apart? _But what life?_ , she wants to laugh. She never had a life. It was just a lie perfectly constructed by the people she thought she could trust. Someone she considered a friend. She understands them. Forgives them even. But sometimes she wonders just how much of this is actually her choice. 

Reyna looks out at the merry gathering and is once again overcome by the reality of the situation. Her eyes glisten with unshed tears, because it is so simple for them. To the Republic she is Revan reformed. But she _isn’t_. If that were the truth, if she had suddenly gained back her memories and her identity which were stolen from her, and then she decided to side with the Republic then what was there to fear? 

No. Dread coils in her stomach because Revan hasn’t made that decision. _Reyna_ has. The person who was never even real to begin with. She wants to cry because she is _afraid._

After all who knows when Revan will decide to come back and destroy everything that Reyna was? When will the person who she used to be drown out the person she is now? 

That night, for the fourth time in a row she dreams of Darth Revan. The worst part is that she doesn’t know whether it’s a nightmare or a memory. 

***

When Admiral Carth Onasi seeks her out on Telos Meetra is surprised and also really confused. 

When Carth explains why he is here her knees almost give out. 

He is looking for Revan. But no. _Not Revan_ , she reminds herself on the verge of tears. Because Revan doesn’t exist anymore. Because the Jedi Council not only wiped her memory, they stripped her of her identity too. Her personality. Everything that made her Revan it… it’s all gone. 

This is why she realizes. This is why her mark faded away. That day… she lost her soulmate. 

Revan is dead. She might not have been killed but the love of her life is still gone. Reyna. That is who she is now. And who knows what kind of personality the Jedi programmed her with? 

The thought makes bile rise up in her throat because this is sick. This is sick on so many levels. 

And Meetra… Meetra just can’t take this anymore. 

First her previous masters inform her of the possibility that she is mind controlling all of her friends without even meaning to. Then they try to rip away her newly established connection to the Force. Then Kreia kills them all, because turns out Kreia is actually the Sith they have been looking for all along. Then she survives a battle against Darth Nihilus which already sucked all the life out of her. 

And then Carth Onasi came and dealt the final blow. 

Because now she knows she lost part of her soul forever too. 

***

There is a tall, blonde woman with a yellow lightsaber who even though she just defeated a three-feet reptilian creature Reyna never learnt the name of, looks more afraid of her than of anything this planet has to offer. The stranger’s distress is so strong that it bleeds into the Force, and Reyna picks up on it without even meaning to. 

“Thank you for the assistance” she tells her with a smile that she hopes is reassuring. “I’m Reyna” 

***

How many times can a heart break before it finally stops beating? 

Meetra thought she was ready to see her again. That it doesn’t matter that Revan has no recollection of who she is she still has to help her because of who her former self is to her. Because it’s the right thing to do, because the fate of the galaxy is at stake. 

But this? This is torture. Reyna offers her her hand to shake and Meetra wants to scream. Not at the unfamiliar name. But at the unfamiliar sight, at that alien aura. Reyna exudes a kind of serenity that is so wrong on that face. The lack of recognition is painful too. She wants to run to her, to hug her, to make sure that she is alive, that it isn’t a dream. Meanwhile Reyna is merely fixing her with a patient but confused expression. 

It’s maddening. But seeing first hand that this is not even Revan anymore? Seeing the same features twist into a docile expression she has never seen on them before? 

That is a hundred times worse. 

***

“I’m Meetra” the stranger accepts her hand, visibly shaken. “Meetra Surik” 

Reyna swears she stops breathing. She searches the depths of those sad green eyes for confirmation that she is truly _her_ Meetra Surik but she only finds grief in them. 

She wants to cry too. She feels that by all rights she should cry. But the tears won’t come. 

She doesn’t know this woman and Reyna cannot find strength to grieve for what Revan lost. 

All she feels is numb and empty. 

Like her world just turned gray. 


End file.
